Wednesday, May 18, 2022

Major

Stumbled upon a tweet of breakups in the net, and i literally...lost it.

I never wanted to experience breakup, this thing sucks as fuck and it really, really, really, hurts.

Im not sure why I went through with all the shits and unnecessary drama when i am literally so unfit for that. 

Seriously, what was I thinking? 

Midlife crisis? 

Too much loneliness? 

Too far away from family? 

Covid encephalopathy? 

Why? Why?

To begin with it was not all rainbows and butterlies and all joyous pun. Ye at first it was all pretty and warm, hati berbunga-bunga, then....things got messier, we gaduh almost everyday and my friend has been telling me that it wasn't healthy relationship pun but I tried. I have fuckingly tried to save it but...it still nothing. Worth nothing. Beyond saving. Unsalvageable.

We both have our much ego, and it was lamented with excessive trust issues, and it became too much in everything.

Silly me and im so bodoh for I have opened up so much.

I have told everything including all those scars...all those dark stuffs...all of those traumatising thing..
Yet, it was nothing. There was absolute no understanding of who am me, why I was built like this, and why I was wired to be emotionally scarred. 

Its like..bodoh.
I am bodoh.

I guess memang betullah when they said that love makes u blind. And fool.

Honestly, I was tired. I was so tired apologising for things that I have tried to fix but whenever the trust issues build up, the persecutory delusions was brought up again, and then we fought again, i couldnt take it.

It was so fucking tiring.

And now both party is hurting. And i am hurting too. I tried to get back but there is no chance for me because now the bad figure is again, me, because i was the one who ended it. Yes, ego. So much ego. 

I am so tired of this. I thought when we broke up i'd be happier. 
But fuck no. It is not.

Grieving and healing is...............too much.

I dont know when it will heal.
I dont know for how many longer I will grieve. 
 
Ugh.
Its been two weeks so no more bb, no more sayang, no more hati-hati.

Im lost. And I dont think I will do this anymore...  




Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Just a Hi

Things have never been easier.

Well I guess that's just life.
Life progresses, things changed, and I, have progressed too.

Its been 5 years since I left Moscow, 4 years of stepping into working life, and forever years of being a supposedly mature adult. Still cant believe that though.

Life has been cruel, with no sense of empathy at all, and I have moved out from my playing ground  to a completely new territory and environment. I still in the moment of disbelieve that I was fated to be working somewhere in the south; in a place of no known person around, with a completely new environment of God knows what.

As if God knows that loneliness is somehow fated to be a part of my life.

Not to mention I am serving in the discipline of which I have never been trained of during my housemanship years, i am so blaming the damnation of the stupid system and the unfairness of the birocracy....but alas you gotta do what you have to do. There's nothing much you cant change though for being a junior. So ikut je lah nak.

So yea, now i am in my almost 2 years in the south, writing this as somehow I have no patient in the clinic due to the deadly Coronavirus season, and out of boredom was also laughing and crying to my late posts of cringiness hahahahaahah.

At least it makes everything to be less lonely than what it already is.
In which fine by me, always.

Monday, July 16, 2018

Pasca Moskva - i

Sudah hampir 5 bulan meninggalkan bumi Moscow. Makin lama makin rasa bumi Moscow makin jauh daripada ingatan, dan hal ini agak meresahkan.

Kehidupan pasca Moscow sebenarnya agak membosankan. Selain daripada beberapa minggu berada dalam kekalutan kerana terpaksa menyelesaikan beberapa perkara wajib untuk bekerja, yang lain tu macam apalah sangat. Nothing much happened so far.

Rasanya kejayaan setakat ini ialah berjaya menternak lemak-lemak dalam badan. Ukur lilit perut naik dua inci okay. Sendat habis segala seluar yang nak dipakai waktu temuduga SPA. Terpaksalah diet seminggu untuk muatkan seluar balik huhu.

Sebenarnya, nak sangat memenuhi masa lapang dengan buat part-time. Malah, kalau diikutkan memang sebenarnya berjaya je dapat kerja, satu sebagai juruwang dan satu lagi receptionist di sebuah hotel di bandar, tapi aku menolak. Sebabnya? Malas. Haha.

Melayu betul aku ni.

Bukan apa, bila difikirkan, macam bila kerja macam akan terikat. Cuti pun bukannya senang nak dapat sebab kerja swasta kan. Lagipun bila dah houseman nanti, takut menyesal pulak tak cuti betul-betul. Kawan-kawan yang dah bekerja semuanya pesan, jangan sia-siakan masa cuti sebab bila kerja nanti akan menyesal.

Berkenaan temuduga SPA, alhamdulillah berjalan lancar kot? Interview di Kota Bharu tak adalah susah sangat, lebih kepada management of common diseases sahaja. Macam hari tu, lepas perkenalkan diri apa sume, dia tanya apa management untuk bayi yang datang dengan demam, apa yang dikhuatiri, apa perlu buat, history apa yang kena tahu. Lepas tu pasal procedure of withdrawing venous and arterial blood, as well as for what they are taken for? Soalan berkenaan geriatrik pun masuk, contohnya old aged comatose patient came and what should we expect and how to manage, as well as common diseases macam patient with bad headache, patient with shortness of breath, chest pain, finding of excessive glucose level in one patient so how to manage. Ini ditanya kepada setiap orang tau, sebab kita masuk dalam bilik interview tu secara berkumpulan dan penemuduga tu just nak tahu kita ada ilmu asas ke tidak bila berdepan dengan situasi macam tu.

Dan suprisingly untuk aku, aku ditanya soalan Obstetrik. Like whaat the whaaat?

Of course aku tak boleh jawab sangat sebab tak prepare pun bahagian tu. Dah katanya akan tanya common diseases so memang aku study internal medicine je lah. Dah lah tu, aku memang study kawkaw berkenaan SPA, JPA, MMC KKM, menteri-menteri yang terlibat, program kerajaan macam NBOS, UTC, RTC segala bagai tu tapi tak ditanya pun. So terpaksalah telan dan redha sahaja meskipun rasa macam sepatutnya boleh jawab.

Bila difikirkan, memang entah apa-apa je yang ada dalam kepala otak aku sekarang. Macam hari tu, aku tengah berbual dengan famili aku pasal bersalin dan lepas tu terfikir camne dah eh "Obstetric Hand"?? Adoi apa je yang ada dalam otak engkau ni sekarang??

Jadi dalam baki masa yang ada di rasanya kalau kerajinan akan cuba asah-asah sedikit ilmu perubatan tu. Lama sangat tinggal macam dah jadi macam apa dah ni. Lepas tu, akan cuba menyesuaikan diri lagi lah dengan suasana sini. Bunyi macam poyo je kan tapi its the truth.

Rasa kekok bila cuti sekolah macam ni dan adik-adik tak sekolah dan ada kat rumah, rasa macam ummm, what do budak sekarang buat bila cuti sekolah? Terutamanya bila adik-adik dah besar panjang tahap rebellious dan hormonal imbalance, apa yang diorang buat niii eyyy cuba bagi klu seket.

Cepat sangat masa berlalu sampai tak terkejar dah aku, hence the "sesuaikan diri" part. Bila semua dah membesar, masa dah berlalu dengan banyaknya, aku rasa macam semua benda asing dah sekarang. Semua benda rasa macam lain. Entahlah aku seorang je kot rasa macam tu. Tapi itulah, kita tak boleh mengundur ke belakang. Memang betullah bila orang kata membesar tu sangatlah menyusahkan, memang menyusahkan pun lah! Banyak benda kena pikir. Waktu kecik rileks je hidup seriang-riangnya tanpa ada sebarang masalah kecuali bila fikir nak beli makan aiskrim ke atau beli jambu bila balik sekolah. (OBVIOUSLY jambu sebab aku tak makan benda sejuk sangat)

Tapi kan, cuti lepas graduasi pasca Moscow ni pun aku macam budak kecik jugak sebab tak banyak benda nak kena fikir lagi. Ceria je rasa melantak dan berguling-guling kecomelan tanpa banyak sangat nak kena hadap realiti hidup yang penuh pancaroba ini, wahh.

Anyway to sum it up, apart from leisuring around and doing absolutely nothing, nothing much has happened. Hopefully this habit won't stick or I would turn to be an obsolete lazy man with less care of the world. Might as well be a broomstick. Penyapu lagi banyak gunanya daripada aku yang sekarang ni.

Apapun, meskipun aku tak teruja sangat nak masuk kerja sebab weh ilmu tak banyak weh takuttt, dalam diam aku berharap juga supaya dapat kerja cepat. Lagi lama menunggu lagi ambivalent dibuatnya. Tapi bila difikirkan macam tak lama lagi je sebab dah interview, rasa meroyan pula taknak masuk hospital lagi. Entahlah.

As for now, kita chill chill dulu dan start kalut bila mood datang.