Overthinking It

Less than a month before hell life begins, and my circadian rhythm has never been super messed up.

Not sure whether its the dreadful nervous anticipation for it, or maybe the fact that I have been stucked in a serious everlasting real-life drama has finally whacked my brain to be insane.

Well I gotta blame both, although it is not my first insomniac case though. Whenever I am in stressful situation I just couldn't sleep. At all. Even at daytime I won't feel tired and I am not even kidding. Sometimes it gets me to wonder those tales of people who can't get sleep; eventually they all get cuckoo-ed.

In all seriousness I wonder whether I had made a good decision or not to stay. To be in this state for two consecutive years, being under such heavy scrutinies and excessive workloads at work, then juggling personal life in the webs of bloodshed migraine-inducer drama which believe me, would orbiting around me forever, I wonder what is it that has grounded me to stay? Am I being Stockholm-ed?

I wanted to flee and be in the sun and live carefree and happy and joyous as I could, but if only life is as simple as that, with responsibility and all. I wanted to, I planned to, but reality somehow played it tricks so well and I was stucked in the mess. Again. And the best solution is to stay. I have thought this through but I wished that I had thought deeper although whenever I tried to I  keep getting to this unresolved solutions which has no use at all. And I winged it like usual. Not that I wanted to bring this ever up, but please la if only people would finally see what have I sacrificed for this. Don't you people see how much that I care to be this reckless into digging my own grave?

Why is life is forever ain't easy?

There's no going back from this decision I made. The only option is to run but I have done enough by running. Don't think that my feet are gonna make it and having overstretched heart won't make me go far either. Honestly, I am tired and whether I like it or not, I believe this is my overthinking talking.

I would be fine, like I am and I would strive to be. Regardless of what will be happening, Im just gonna whatever it. Either way I am either screwed or this could be one of those cliche silver lining thing. I hope I won't ever talk about this again 'cause the more I think about it the harder shaytaan will come swinging by and whispering evil murmurs of insanity and it could make me so delirious in questioning my decision. Like I said, I am overthinking this and I am making it more dramatic than it is.

I hope that I am not sounding so much cuckoo-ed, 'cause that would mean that the tales is true.

Pochta

Melankoli sentimental mula muncul usai mengepos barang untuk dibawa pulang di pochta.

Pada mulanya, datang di pochta dengan perasaan yang tersangatlah kosong. Almaklumlah, entah kenapa boleh terbabas dalam lena malam semalam dan kalut mengemas barang pula pada besok paginya. Mana tak kosong perasaan.

Sebenarnya, sahabat yang datang menemani lah yang terlebih melankolik. "Sedihlah A, sedihnya packing barang-barang ni, Dah nak balik dah kita ni ye." Diulangnya banyak kali dan cuma senyuman je yang mampu dibalasku. Letih bawak barang 25 kilo kot. Tak mampu nak balas lebih-lebih waktu tu.

Bila dah sampai di bilik ni mulalah terfikir tentang semuanya. Terduduk sekejap sambil berfikir di atas karpet kesayangan. Karpet ni lah yang banyak menyaksikan proses berfikir berlaku. Bila sedih je akan terjelepuk di situ. Sedih dan dramatik.

The thing is thinking about menempuh alam baru ni makes me realise yang you cannot undo the time. Rasa gementar sangat untuk jadi dewasa dan mula bekerja dan sebagainya. Macam tak percaya dan rasa sangat cepat masa berlalu. Dan tetiba juga terlintas dalam hati untuk terdetik mengenai kematian. Macam fasa baru, nak tak nak pun kita kena tempuhi juga. Takut tak takut, kena kerja juga eventually. Samalah juga dengan kematian. Masa kita bukannya mengundur ke belakang. Takut tak takut, kena mati juga eventually. Scary sebenarnya bila terfikir benda ni tadi. 

Apapun, nak tak nak tinggal beberapa hari je lagi sebelum terpaksa berangkat untuk tinggalkan bumi salju yang banyak mengajar erti kehidupan ni. Banyak benda yang aku belajar di sini, terutamanya dari segi proses kematangan diri. Meskipun takdelah matang sangat jadinya, tapi di sinilah aku belajar macam-macam karenah dan ragam manusia yang pelbagai. Di sini jugalah aku banyak mengenal personaliti diriku yang sebenar dan re-adjusting them bila dah belajar erti kematangan. Di sini jualah aku belajar erti survivaliti yang sebenar, be it survive dengan orang ataupun dengan persekitaran. Dan yang paling penting, bumi inilah yang mengajarku untuk mencari apa itu erti hidup yang sebenar. I will definitely not forget that this bumi lah yang getarkan hati yang lama kering ni dan tegakkan segala bulu roma ini bila cinta yang sebenar ditemui.

Ya Allah, rasa sangat bertuah dan syukur dapat diberi peluang ke sini. And no, this is not a goodbye post lagi ni. I refuse to say my goodbye yet. Masih berbaki beberapa hari lagi ni so I am gonna make full use of it. This is not a proper goodbye pun. Saja nak menulis sementara masih di sini. Masih sempat lagi ni untuk buat proper goodbye post sementara waktu masih ada.

Sekadar melepaskan rindu menulis sewaktu mood tengah melankolik. Mungkin boleh doakan untuk sentiasa melankolik supaya boleh menulis lagi? Haha.

Till then, 

3.13am, Moscow.

Wounds and Marks

At the end of the day, we are the ones who have to move on with our lives.
The only problem is where to begin, again.

Humans of all sorts of forms will always be the same. We can try to give them itsy bitsy of love we have left but no bueno things will still be the same. You can't change humans. Humans are wired to be humans and so be it. Glad to know that for some they had gone through these phases and had survived and still surviving.

It is okay to fall.
It is okay to be wounded, to be scratched a little, bleeds a little..
All things healed, don't they?

Thank you for all the memories.
Now psychological defense mechanism, cepat do your work.