Overthinking It

Less than a month before hell life begins, and my circadian rhythm has never been super messed up.

Not sure whether its the dreadful nervous anticipation for it, or maybe the fact that I have been stucked in a serious everlasting real-life drama has finally whacked my brain to be insane.

Well I gotta blame both, although it is not my first insomniac case though. Whenever I am in stressful situation I just couldn't sleep. At all. Even at daytime I won't feel tired and I am not even kidding. Sometimes it gets me to wonder those tales of people who can't get sleep; eventually they all get cuckoo-ed.

In all seriousness I wonder whether I had made a good decision or not to stay. To be in this state for two consecutive years, being under such heavy scrutinies and excessive workloads at work, then juggling personal life in the webs of bloodshed migraine-inducer drama which believe me, would orbiting around me forever, I wonder what is it that has grounded me to stay? Am I being Stockholm-ed?

I wanted to flee and be in the sun and live carefree and happy and joyous as I could, but if only life is as simple as that, with responsibility and all. I wanted to, I planned to, but reality somehow played it tricks so well and I was stucked in the mess. Again. And the best solution is to stay. I have thought this through but I wished that I had thought deeper although whenever I tried to I  keep getting to this unresolved solutions which has no use at all. And I winged it like usual. Not that I wanted to bring this ever up, but please la if only people would finally see what have I sacrificed for this. Don't you people see how much that I care to be this reckless into digging my own grave?

Why is life is forever ain't easy?

There's no going back from this decision I made. The only option is to run but I have done enough by running. Don't think that my feet are gonna make it and having overstretched heart won't make me go far either. Honestly, I am tired and whether I like it or not, I believe this is my overthinking talking.

I would be fine, like I am and I would strive to be. Regardless of what will be happening, Im just gonna whatever it. Either way I am either screwed or this could be one of those cliche silver lining thing. I hope I won't ever talk about this again 'cause the more I think about it the harder shaytaan will come swinging by and whispering evil murmurs of insanity and it could make me so delirious in questioning my decision. Like I said, I am overthinking this and I am making it more dramatic than it is.

I hope that I am not sounding so much cuckoo-ed, 'cause that would mean that the tales is true.