Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 18, 2022

Major

Stumbled upon a tweet of breakups in the net, and i literally...lost it.

I never wanted to experience breakup, this thing sucks as fuck and it really, really, really, hurts.

Im not sure why I went through with all the shits and unnecessary drama when i am literally so unfit for that. 

Seriously, what was I thinking? 

Midlife crisis? 

Too much loneliness? 

Too far away from family? 

Covid encephalopathy? 

Why? Why?

To begin with it was not all rainbows and butterlies and all joyous pun. Ye at first it was all pretty and warm, hati berbunga-bunga, then....things got messier, we gaduh almost everyday and my friend has been telling me that it wasn't healthy relationship pun but I tried. I have fuckingly tried to save it but...it still nothing. Worth nothing. Beyond saving. Unsalvageable.

We both have our much ego, and it was lamented with excessive trust issues, and it became too much in everything.

Silly me and im so bodoh for I have opened up so much.

I have told everything including all those scars...all those dark stuffs...all of those traumatising thing..
Yet, it was nothing. There was absolute no understanding of who am me, why I was built like this, and why I was wired to be emotionally scarred. 

Its like..bodoh.
I am bodoh.

I guess memang betullah when they said that love makes u blind. And fool.

Honestly, I was tired. I was so tired apologising for things that I have tried to fix but whenever the trust issues build up, the persecutory delusions was brought up again, and then we fought again, i couldnt take it.

It was so fucking tiring.

And now both party is hurting. And i am hurting too. I tried to get back but there is no chance for me because now the bad figure is again, me, because i was the one who ended it. Yes, ego. So much ego. 

I am so tired of this. I thought when we broke up i'd be happier. 
But fuck no. It is not.

Grieving and healing is...............too much.

I dont know when it will heal.
I dont know for how many longer I will grieve. 
 
Ugh.
Its been two weeks so no more bb, no more sayang, no more hati-hati.

Im lost. And I dont think I will do this anymore...  




Monday, July 16, 2018

Pasca Moskva - i

Sudah hampir 5 bulan meninggalkan bumi Moscow. Makin lama makin rasa bumi Moscow makin jauh daripada ingatan, dan hal ini agak meresahkan.

Kehidupan pasca Moscow sebenarnya agak membosankan. Selain daripada beberapa minggu berada dalam kekalutan kerana terpaksa menyelesaikan beberapa perkara wajib untuk bekerja, yang lain tu macam apalah sangat. Nothing much happened so far.

Rasanya kejayaan setakat ini ialah berjaya menternak lemak-lemak dalam badan. Ukur lilit perut naik dua inci okay. Sendat habis segala seluar yang nak dipakai waktu temuduga SPA. Terpaksalah diet seminggu untuk muatkan seluar balik huhu.

Sebenarnya, nak sangat memenuhi masa lapang dengan buat part-time. Malah, kalau diikutkan memang sebenarnya berjaya je dapat kerja, satu sebagai juruwang dan satu lagi receptionist di sebuah hotel di bandar, tapi aku menolak. Sebabnya? Malas. Haha.

Melayu betul aku ni.

Bukan apa, bila difikirkan, macam bila kerja macam akan terikat. Cuti pun bukannya senang nak dapat sebab kerja swasta kan. Lagipun bila dah houseman nanti, takut menyesal pulak tak cuti betul-betul. Kawan-kawan yang dah bekerja semuanya pesan, jangan sia-siakan masa cuti sebab bila kerja nanti akan menyesal.

Berkenaan temuduga SPA, alhamdulillah berjalan lancar kot? Interview di Kota Bharu tak adalah susah sangat, lebih kepada management of common diseases sahaja. Macam hari tu, lepas perkenalkan diri apa sume, dia tanya apa management untuk bayi yang datang dengan demam, apa yang dikhuatiri, apa perlu buat, history apa yang kena tahu. Lepas tu pasal procedure of withdrawing venous and arterial blood, as well as for what they are taken for? Soalan berkenaan geriatrik pun masuk, contohnya old aged comatose patient came and what should we expect and how to manage, as well as common diseases macam patient with bad headache, patient with shortness of breath, chest pain, finding of excessive glucose level in one patient so how to manage. Ini ditanya kepada setiap orang tau, sebab kita masuk dalam bilik interview tu secara berkumpulan dan penemuduga tu just nak tahu kita ada ilmu asas ke tidak bila berdepan dengan situasi macam tu.

Dan suprisingly untuk aku, aku ditanya soalan Obstetrik. Like whaat the whaaat?

Of course aku tak boleh jawab sangat sebab tak prepare pun bahagian tu. Dah katanya akan tanya common diseases so memang aku study internal medicine je lah. Dah lah tu, aku memang study kawkaw berkenaan SPA, JPA, MMC KKM, menteri-menteri yang terlibat, program kerajaan macam NBOS, UTC, RTC segala bagai tu tapi tak ditanya pun. So terpaksalah telan dan redha sahaja meskipun rasa macam sepatutnya boleh jawab.

Bila difikirkan, memang entah apa-apa je yang ada dalam kepala otak aku sekarang. Macam hari tu, aku tengah berbual dengan famili aku pasal bersalin dan lepas tu terfikir camne dah eh "Obstetric Hand"?? Adoi apa je yang ada dalam otak engkau ni sekarang??

Jadi dalam baki masa yang ada di rasanya kalau kerajinan akan cuba asah-asah sedikit ilmu perubatan tu. Lama sangat tinggal macam dah jadi macam apa dah ni. Lepas tu, akan cuba menyesuaikan diri lagi lah dengan suasana sini. Bunyi macam poyo je kan tapi its the truth.

Rasa kekok bila cuti sekolah macam ni dan adik-adik tak sekolah dan ada kat rumah, rasa macam ummm, what do budak sekarang buat bila cuti sekolah? Terutamanya bila adik-adik dah besar panjang tahap rebellious dan hormonal imbalance, apa yang diorang buat niii eyyy cuba bagi klu seket.

Cepat sangat masa berlalu sampai tak terkejar dah aku, hence the "sesuaikan diri" part. Bila semua dah membesar, masa dah berlalu dengan banyaknya, aku rasa macam semua benda asing dah sekarang. Semua benda rasa macam lain. Entahlah aku seorang je kot rasa macam tu. Tapi itulah, kita tak boleh mengundur ke belakang. Memang betullah bila orang kata membesar tu sangatlah menyusahkan, memang menyusahkan pun lah! Banyak benda kena pikir. Waktu kecik rileks je hidup seriang-riangnya tanpa ada sebarang masalah kecuali bila fikir nak beli makan aiskrim ke atau beli jambu bila balik sekolah. (OBVIOUSLY jambu sebab aku tak makan benda sejuk sangat)

Tapi kan, cuti lepas graduasi pasca Moscow ni pun aku macam budak kecik jugak sebab tak banyak benda nak kena fikir lagi. Ceria je rasa melantak dan berguling-guling kecomelan tanpa banyak sangat nak kena hadap realiti hidup yang penuh pancaroba ini, wahh.

Anyway to sum it up, apart from leisuring around and doing absolutely nothing, nothing much has happened. Hopefully this habit won't stick or I would turn to be an obsolete lazy man with less care of the world. Might as well be a broomstick. Penyapu lagi banyak gunanya daripada aku yang sekarang ni.

Apapun, meskipun aku tak teruja sangat nak masuk kerja sebab weh ilmu tak banyak weh takuttt, dalam diam aku berharap juga supaya dapat kerja cepat. Lagi lama menunggu lagi ambivalent dibuatnya. Tapi bila difikirkan macam tak lama lagi je sebab dah interview, rasa meroyan pula taknak masuk hospital lagi. Entahlah.

As for now, kita chill chill dulu dan start kalut bila mood datang.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Season of New Beginnings

Last summer was somehow a season of new beginnings.

People at my age is getting married, some are expecting babies, some are graduating while some are going through their first job, settling down in new environment, new friends, new beginning of life...

...well a season of new beginnings indeed.

Well for me this is relatively new. It is very new and strange and I still have hard times digesting all of these stuffs happening. Sometimes I feel like we are in the movies, like the film is rolling and we are the actor in it performing our roles. Some have to be the hero while some have to be the villagers. Yet, each one of us play important role to deliver a scene, Everyone's a somebody's now.

And witnessing those films rolling through my eyes, had got me trembling with enough gushes of fear. Its hard to digest the fact that this is a new phase of life that I have to go through. A phase that not only me have to go through. A phase of no turning back. A phase of new beginnings.

A phase called adulthood.

Welcome to this adulthood thingy, A. The train has arrived.
Welcome, selamat datang, irrashaimase, dobra posjalovats, and davaiii. 
And I'd be lying if not welcoming the train with slight pinch of fear.

Yet still, we can have this option though:


And that is what I always aim to be (sejak tamat highschool lagi, kan Y?)
At least this is comforting...

#Emotional summer, Like eh I'm feeling old. 

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Silly Mistakes, eh?

Yes I am finally posting, yay to me!
Apparently for me “i am back” didn’t literally mean I am back, right?

It has been awhile since my last post here, and yes I missed my blog, in case you were wondering. My summer holidays was tres magnifique, I am enjoying every bits of it each day, and my Eid celebration was uber awesome, except for the fact that i am taking medicine and it’s sounded like a heavy burden on me since people kept asking about my slightly longer and messy hair (not related) and reminding me how lucky my family to have a doctor-soon-to-be in it and that's add more nervous for me to mess this "luck" up 'cause apparently, I am not that great in doing what i am doing right now.

(Oke i copied and pasted this from berkulat punya drafts)

Well moving on to the next point, my life is okay, considering i am in positive mode this whole week, up until today. Yes, Patho-anatomy hates me. More on that later, maybe tomorrow, or never, we'll see.

Anyhoo, when life’s getting shittier day by days, you start to realize that there is something wrong going on and that’s when you start searching in which point of life you did wrong.

I had one chat conversation via facebook with my dearest friend, complaining and whining (as usual) about how terrible my life was. This happened in earlier September this year, there was something wrong in my chest that time; i had this uncomfortable feeling within me that I felt like yelling to people for unknown reasons. I was mad, and raging, and PMS-ing, and he was just suddenly online. Considering he is one of my best-est friends in the whole world, I just have to do what a friend need to do when he is in need while he listened attentively (at least that what i thought he was doing :P)

Then he told me this.

Dia cakap yang biasanya bila dia rasa hari tu serba tak kena, dia akan try to find kat mana dia ada buat silap. I thought the mistakes that he did is like the on-off simple silly mistakes, like gaduh with friends or tak gerakkan kawan bangun, curi selipar dan sebagainya, tapi rupanya silap yang dia maksudkan tu rupanya silap kita dengan tuhan. Dia bagitau yang biasanya bila dia bangun lewat dan terlepas solat Subuh, hari tu mesti akan ada yang tak kena, yang memang akan merosakkan hari dia, and causing unnecessary uncomfortable stuffs to happen.

Then I felt like ditampar, my world starts spinning and macam flashbacks going on and off through my minds, trying to show me what exactly i did wrong for decades of my life.

Memang betul apa yang dia cakap, kadang-kadang kita lupa yang kita buat dosa ngan Tuhan, tapi kita selalu tak sedar salah kita, dan kita doubt pada Tuhan kenapa dia jadikan hidup kita miserable. We always think that what we did is perfectly enough, but indeed it's not.

Dahlah tak ikhlas, pastu bajet perfect. Pastu maki-maki kenapa nasib kita selalu malang. Patutlah makin serabut hidup.

So based on his advices, I followed what he said and be extra careful on unforgettable, bigger mistakes that involve with my relationship with God, and yes indeed, it is truly is true, I feel so positive after i started doing that. I feel relaxed, except for today of course, but that was because i sinned a little earlier, and Dia punished me.

Yes it is true, positive result.

Speaking of different invisible ways of God trying to reach us and giving the answers, kan?