Major

Stumbled upon a tweet of breakups in the net, and i literally...lost it.

I never wanted to experience breakup, this thing sucks as fuck and it really, really, really, hurts.

Im not sure why I went through with all the shits and unnecessary drama when i am literally so unfit for that. 

Seriously, what was I thinking? 

Midlife crisis? 

Too much loneliness? 

Too far away from family? 

Covid encephalopathy? 

Why? Why?

To begin with it was not all rainbows and butterlies and all joyous pun. Ye at first it was all pretty and warm, hati berbunga-bunga, then....things got messier, we gaduh almost everyday and my friend has been telling me that it wasn't healthy relationship pun but I tried. I have fuckingly tried to save it but...it still nothing. Worth nothing. Beyond saving. Unsalvageable.

We both have our much ego, and it was lamented with excessive trust issues, and it became too much in everything.

Silly me and im so bodoh for I have opened up so much.

I have told everything including all those scars...all those dark stuffs...all of those traumatising thing..

Yet, it was nothing. There was absolute no understanding of who am me, why I was built like this, and why I was wired to be emotionally scarred. 

Its like..bodoh.

I am bodoh.

I guess memang betullah when they said that love makes u blind. And fool.

Honestly, I was tired. I was so tired apologising for things that I have tried to fix but whenever the trust issues build up, the persecutory delusions was brought up again, and then we fought again, i couldnt take it.

It was so fucking tiring.

And now both party is hurting. And i am hurting too. I tried to get back but there is no chance for me because now the bad figure is again, me, because i was the one who ended it. Yes, ego. So much ego. 

I am so tired of this. I thought when we broke up i'd be happier. 

But fuck no. It is not.

Grieving and healing is...............too much.

I dont know when it will heal.

I dont know for how many longer I will grieve. 

 

Ugh.

Its been two weeks so no more bb, no more sayang, no more hati-hati.

Im lost. And I dont think I will do this anymore...  

The 5th Stage of Grief

Finally I succumbed to the final level of grief.

Well technically, I skipped most of the ladidas and went straightforward to the level of acceptance. There's nothing you could do jugak pun bila benda nak jadi.

It's been a whirlwind life for me thus far. All my life i've been preparing for this; the hardest part; the one that changed me; the goodbyes. Ever since I was a child ive been exposed to this; the harsh truth of reality that none is really eternal.

Friends come and go, people die and leave, lovers can become strangers, ...and heart, is a strong and powerful thing that can withstand all this whateverness which causing this separation issue. And it will do that with the helps of time and yourself.

They say you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
And a strong person knows how to keep their life stays in line. A strong person knows what to do and what to choose to be strong.

At times you have to accept the fact that you don't have to fight in every single battle of yours.
Sometimes it is all about "meh, things happened."

Acceptance would be easier if you mastered on how to understand yourself better.

Lesson Learned

Lessons learned today, if you did not learn biochemistry very well, you won't become a good doctor. My lecturer keeps saying this since last semester lagi, but it never struck me so much until today, when i couldnt answer her question, and instead of answering, i remained silent.

Well i used to be a geek who loves chemistry more than biology and physics, eventhough i honestly believe that i learned chemistry by myself back in the days with little helps from my chemistry teacher who is always busy handling students' discipline problems. In fact, I used to be a very hardworking student, staying up late at night, studying and revising myself up to 2 or 3 am in the morning in bilik gosok baju on 1st floor of my hostel alone, trying to understand all the reactions and equations involved.

But today, I believe i'm not that student anymore.

I believe now i know zero in my biochemistry, well maybe not zero, tapi sikitlah, since i couldnt remember the simplest equation at all although ive done the questions multiple times before, or how to relate all the body metabolisms although the topics i learned are actually interesting enough sedangkan dulu I used to remember things efficiently no matter how complicated the things are *haha oke poyo*

The real problem is i used the same studying techniques like before, i did stay up late and everything, learning hard-lah jugak, but the outcomes bukan macam dulu, and it's scared me. See what's happened with my Anatomy? I studied macam nak mampus tapi tak ingat-ingat jugak.

Well okay, maybe lah kan the syllabus ive learned before are easier than what ive learned in biochemistry today, but that's not the point. My point is why my otak tak leh nak usaha untuk berfikir, pushing my limit macam dulu? If dulu adalah jugak usaha nak fikir soalan KBKK, but here, entah. Tak berani satu hal, and tak cuba untuk fikir satu hal lagi. Then tu tak masuk lagi yang senang-senang pun tak leh ingat, sedihnya fufufu.

Is my otak is corrupted enough these days?

Banyak buat dosa kot.

ps - bukan nak cakap dulu im superstar ke apa, cuma pelik bila makin lama makin tak leh jawab, and it's terrifying lah. Either soalan susah atau aku yang malas mencuba, but i blame myself first sebelum salahkan benda lain.

Tak Tahu

Some should seriously learn how to say "tak tahu" when we dont know the answer, and not trying to pretend that we know.

There's nothing to be ashamed of being dumb lah, we're not angels.

Kadang-kadang tak faham dengan manusia jenis ni.

Jenis yang tak nak terus terang cakap "saya tak tahu" bila ditanya soalan, sedangkan memang dia tak tahu jawapan tu.

Pastu mulalah berbelit-belit lidah try nak berlakon buat macam tahu, bersimpang siur segala maklumat semata-mata nak cakap yang dia tahu, sedangkan dia tak tahu.

Oh please-lah

Bukan dengki, jeles, cemburu dan sebagainya, tapi rasa a bit annoyed bila maklumat tu jadi panjang berjela-jela sedangkan habuk pun tarak.

Pastu bila kita tak paham, dan kita beralih arah dan cuba mintak pertolongan orang lain, mulalah si dia terasa.

Haihh menyusahkan orang jek.

Kan bagus awal-awal lagi dah berterus-terang cakap yang kita tak tahu, senang segala masalah.

Like i said, we're not perfect macam angels.