Major

Stumbled upon a tweet of breakups in the net, and i literally...lost it.

I never wanted to experience breakup, this thing sucks as fuck and it really, really, really, hurts.

Im not sure why I went through with all the shits and unnecessary drama when i am literally so unfit for that. 

Seriously, what was I thinking? 

Midlife crisis? 

Too much loneliness? 

Too far away from family? 

Covid encephalopathy? 

Why? Why?

To begin with it was not all rainbows and butterlies and all joyous pun. Ye at first it was all pretty and warm, hati berbunga-bunga, then....things got messier, we gaduh almost everyday and my friend has been telling me that it wasn't healthy relationship pun but I tried. I have fuckingly tried to save it but...it still nothing. Worth nothing. Beyond saving. Unsalvageable.

We both have our much ego, and it was lamented with excessive trust issues, and it became too much in everything.

Silly me and im so bodoh for I have opened up so much.

I have told everything including all those scars...all those dark stuffs...all of those traumatising thing..

Yet, it was nothing. There was absolute no understanding of who am me, why I was built like this, and why I was wired to be emotionally scarred. 

Its like..bodoh.

I am bodoh.

I guess memang betullah when they said that love makes u blind. And fool.

Honestly, I was tired. I was so tired apologising for things that I have tried to fix but whenever the trust issues build up, the persecutory delusions was brought up again, and then we fought again, i couldnt take it.

It was so fucking tiring.

And now both party is hurting. And i am hurting too. I tried to get back but there is no chance for me because now the bad figure is again, me, because i was the one who ended it. Yes, ego. So much ego. 

I am so tired of this. I thought when we broke up i'd be happier. 

But fuck no. It is not.

Grieving and healing is...............too much.

I dont know when it will heal.

I dont know for how many longer I will grieve. 

 

Ugh.

Its been two weeks so no more bb, no more sayang, no more hati-hati.

Im lost. And I dont think I will do this anymore...  

Just a Hi

Things have never been easier.

Well I guess that's just life.
Life progresses, things changed, and I, have progressed too.

Its been 5 years since I left Moscow, 4 years of stepping into working life, and forever years of being a supposedly mature adult. Still cant believe that though.

Life has been cruel, with no sense of empathy at all, and I have moved out from my playing ground  to a completely new territory and environment. I still in the moment of disbelieve that I was fated to be working somewhere in the south; in a place of no known person around, with a completely new environment of God knows what.

As if God knows that loneliness is somehow fated to be a part of my life.

Not to mention I am serving in the discipline of which I have never been trained of during my housemanship years, i am so blaming the damnation of the stupid system and the unfairness of the birocracy....but alas you gotta do what you have to do. There's nothing much you cant change though for being a junior. So ikut je lah nak.

So yea, now i am in my almost 2 years in the south, writing this as somehow I have no patient in the clinic due to the deadly Coronavirus season, and out of boredom was also laughing and crying to my late posts of cringiness hahahahaahah.

At least it makes everything to be less lonely than what it already is.
In which fine by me, always.

Pasca Moskva - i

Sudah hampir 5 bulan meninggalkan bumi Moscow. Makin lama makin rasa bumi Moscow makin jauh daripada ingatan, dan hal ini agak meresahkan.

Kehidupan pasca Moscow sebenarnya agak membosankan. Selain daripada beberapa minggu berada dalam kekalutan kerana terpaksa menyelesaikan beberapa perkara wajib untuk bekerja, yang lain tu macam apalah sangat. Nothing much happened so far.

Rasanya kejayaan setakat ini ialah berjaya menternak lemak-lemak dalam badan. Ukur lilit perut naik dua inci okay. Sendat habis segala seluar yang nak dipakai waktu temuduga SPA. Terpaksalah diet seminggu untuk muatkan seluar balik huhu.

Sebenarnya, nak sangat memenuhi masa lapang dengan buat part-time. Malah, kalau diikutkan memang sebenarnya berjaya je dapat kerja, satu sebagai juruwang dan satu lagi receptionist di sebuah hotel di bandar, tapi aku menolak. Sebabnya? Malas. Haha.

Melayu betul aku ni.

Bukan apa, bila difikirkan, macam bila kerja macam akan terikat. Cuti pun bukannya senang nak dapat sebab kerja swasta kan. Lagipun bila dah houseman nanti, takut menyesal pulak tak cuti betul-betul. Kawan-kawan yang dah bekerja semuanya pesan, jangan sia-siakan masa cuti sebab bila kerja nanti akan menyesal.

Berkenaan temuduga SPA, alhamdulillah berjalan lancar kot? Interview di Kota Bharu tak adalah susah sangat, lebih kepada management of common diseases sahaja. Macam hari tu, lepas perkenalkan diri apa sume, dia tanya apa management untuk bayi yang datang dengan demam, apa yang dikhuatiri, apa perlu buat, history apa yang kena tahu. Lepas tu pasal procedure of withdrawing venous and arterial blood, as well as for what they are taken for? Soalan berkenaan geriatrik pun masuk, contohnya old aged comatose patient came and what should we expect and how to manage, as well as common diseases macam patient with bad headache, patient with shortness of breath, chest pain, finding of excessive glucose level in one patient so how to manage. Ini ditanya kepada setiap orang tau, sebab kita masuk dalam bilik interview tu secara berkumpulan dan penemuduga tu just nak tahu kita ada ilmu asas ke tidak bila berdepan dengan situasi macam tu.

Dan suprisingly untuk aku, aku ditanya soalan Obstetrik. Like whaat the whaaat?

Of course aku tak boleh jawab sangat sebab tak prepare pun bahagian tu. Dah katanya akan tanya common diseases so memang aku study internal medicine je lah. Dah lah tu, aku memang study kawkaw berkenaan SPA, JPA, MMC KKM, menteri-menteri yang terlibat, program kerajaan macam NBOS, UTC, RTC segala bagai tu tapi tak ditanya pun. So terpaksalah telan dan redha sahaja meskipun rasa macam sepatutnya boleh jawab.

Bila difikirkan, memang entah apa-apa je yang ada dalam kepala otak aku sekarang. Macam hari tu, aku tengah berbual dengan famili aku pasal bersalin dan lepas tu terfikir camne dah eh "Obstetric Hand"?? Adoi apa je yang ada dalam otak engkau ni sekarang??

Jadi dalam baki masa yang ada di rasanya kalau kerajinan akan cuba asah-asah sedikit ilmu perubatan tu. Lama sangat tinggal macam dah jadi macam apa dah ni. Lepas tu, akan cuba menyesuaikan diri lagi lah dengan suasana sini. Bunyi macam poyo je kan tapi its the truth.

Rasa kekok bila cuti sekolah macam ni dan adik-adik tak sekolah dan ada kat rumah, rasa macam ummm, what do budak sekarang buat bila cuti sekolah? Terutamanya bila adik-adik dah besar panjang tahap rebellious dan hormonal imbalance, apa yang diorang buat niii eyyy cuba bagi klu seket.

Cepat sangat masa berlalu sampai tak terkejar dah aku, hence the "sesuaikan diri" part. Bila semua dah membesar, masa dah berlalu dengan banyaknya, aku rasa macam semua benda asing dah sekarang. Semua benda rasa macam lain. Entahlah aku seorang je kot rasa macam tu. Tapi itulah, kita tak boleh mengundur ke belakang. Memang betullah bila orang kata membesar tu sangatlah menyusahkan, memang menyusahkan pun lah! Banyak benda kena pikir. Waktu kecik rileks je hidup seriang-riangnya tanpa ada sebarang masalah kecuali bila fikir nak beli makan aiskrim ke atau beli jambu bila balik sekolah. (OBVIOUSLY jambu sebab aku tak makan benda sejuk sangat)

Tapi kan, cuti lepas graduasi pasca Moscow ni pun aku macam budak kecik jugak sebab tak banyak benda nak kena fikir lagi. Ceria je rasa melantak dan berguling-guling kecomelan tanpa banyak sangat nak kena hadap realiti hidup yang penuh pancaroba ini, wahh.

Anyway to sum it up, apart from leisuring around and doing absolutely nothing, nothing much has happened. Hopefully this habit won't stick or I would turn to be an obsolete lazy man with less care of the world. Might as well be a broomstick. Penyapu lagi banyak gunanya daripada aku yang sekarang ni.

Apapun, meskipun aku tak teruja sangat nak masuk kerja sebab weh ilmu tak banyak weh takuttt, dalam diam aku berharap juga supaya dapat kerja cepat. Lagi lama menunggu lagi ambivalent dibuatnya. Tapi bila difikirkan macam tak lama lagi je sebab dah interview, rasa meroyan pula taknak masuk hospital lagi. Entahlah.

As for now, kita chill chill dulu dan start kalut bila mood datang.

Testing out new app

Well as per title says, tadaaa

2am Rants

So it is 2 am in the morning and I can't sleep.

This has been happening for almost forthnight; in which I would lie on bed with my eyes wide open as I patiently wait for the night to pass.

Have I told that my pants doesn't fit me anymore? They are all loose; and I had to tighten my belt two holes tighter for them to fit. Also, have I told that I have not been taking orally well lately? And most of the time I felt empty?

Yes.

If you're thinking what I am thinking; the answer is yes I am depressed.
So absolutely depressed :(

Overthinking It

Less than a month before hell life begins, and my circadian rhythm has never been super messed up.

Not sure whether its the dreadful nervous anticipation for it, or maybe the fact that I have been stucked in a serious everlasting real-life drama has finally whacked my brain to be insane.

Well I gotta blame both, although it is not my first insomniac case though. Whenever I am in stressful situation I just couldn't sleep. At all. Even at daytime I won't feel tired and I am not even kidding. Sometimes it gets me to wonder those tales of people who can't get sleep; eventually they all get cuckoo-ed.

In all seriousness I wonder whether I had made a good decision or not to stay. To be in this state for two consecutive years, being under such heavy scrutinies and excessive workloads at work, then juggling personal life in the webs of bloodshed migraine-inducer drama which believe me, would orbiting around me forever, I wonder what is it that has grounded me to stay? Am I being Stockholm-ed?

I wanted to flee and be in the sun and live carefree and happy and joyous as I could, but if only life is as simple as that, with responsibility and all. I wanted to, I planned to, but reality somehow played it tricks so well and I was stucked in the mess. Again. And the best solution is to stay. I have thought this through but I wished that I had thought deeper although whenever I tried to I  keep getting to this unresolved solutions which has no use at all. And I winged it like usual. Not that I wanted to bring this ever up, but please la if only people would finally see what have I sacrificed for this. Don't you people see how much that I care to be this reckless into digging my own grave?

Why is life is forever ain't easy?

There's no going back from this decision I made. The only option is to run but I have done enough by running. Don't think that my feet are gonna make it and having overstretched heart won't make me go far either. Honestly, I am tired and whether I like it or not, I believe this is my overthinking talking.

I would be fine, like I am and I would strive to be. Regardless of what will be happening, Im just gonna whatever it. Either way I am either screwed or this could be one of those cliche silver lining thing. I hope I won't ever talk about this again 'cause the more I think about it the harder shaytaan will come swinging by and whispering evil murmurs of insanity and it could make me so delirious in questioning my decision. Like I said, I am overthinking this and I am making it more dramatic than it is.

I hope that I am not sounding so much cuckoo-ed, 'cause that would mean that the tales is true.

Pochta

Melankoli sentimental mula muncul usai mengepos barang untuk dibawa pulang di pochta.

Pada mulanya, datang di pochta dengan perasaan yang tersangatlah kosong. Almaklumlah, entah kenapa boleh terbabas dalam lena malam semalam dan kalut mengemas barang pula pada besok paginya. Mana tak kosong perasaan.

Sebenarnya, sahabat yang datang menemani lah yang terlebih melankolik. "Sedihlah A, sedihnya packing barang-barang ni, Dah nak balik dah kita ni ye." Diulangnya banyak kali dan cuma senyuman je yang mampu dibalasku. Letih bawak barang 25 kilo kot. Tak mampu nak balas lebih-lebih waktu tu.

Bila dah sampai di bilik ni mulalah terfikir tentang semuanya. Terduduk sekejap sambil berfikir di atas karpet kesayangan. Karpet ni lah yang banyak menyaksikan proses berfikir berlaku. Bila sedih je akan terjelepuk di situ. Sedih dan dramatik.

The thing is thinking about menempuh alam baru ni makes me realise yang you cannot undo the time. Rasa gementar sangat untuk jadi dewasa dan mula bekerja dan sebagainya. Macam tak percaya dan rasa sangat cepat masa berlalu. Dan tetiba juga terlintas dalam hati untuk terdetik mengenai kematian. Macam fasa baru, nak tak nak pun kita kena tempuhi juga. Takut tak takut, kena kerja juga eventually. Samalah juga dengan kematian. Masa kita bukannya mengundur ke belakang. Takut tak takut, kena mati juga eventually. Scary sebenarnya bila terfikir benda ni tadi. 

Apapun, nak tak nak tinggal beberapa hari je lagi sebelum terpaksa berangkat untuk tinggalkan bumi salju yang banyak mengajar erti kehidupan ni. Banyak benda yang aku belajar di sini, terutamanya dari segi proses kematangan diri. Meskipun takdelah matang sangat jadinya, tapi di sinilah aku belajar macam-macam karenah dan ragam manusia yang pelbagai. Di sini jugalah aku banyak mengenal personaliti diriku yang sebenar dan re-adjusting them bila dah belajar erti kematangan. Di sini jualah aku belajar erti survivaliti yang sebenar, be it survive dengan orang ataupun dengan persekitaran. Dan yang paling penting, bumi inilah yang mengajarku untuk mencari apa itu erti hidup yang sebenar. I will definitely not forget that this bumi lah yang getarkan hati yang lama kering ni dan tegakkan segala bulu roma ini bila cinta yang sebenar ditemui.

Ya Allah, rasa sangat bertuah dan syukur dapat diberi peluang ke sini. And no, this is not a goodbye post lagi ni. I refuse to say my goodbye yet. Masih berbaki beberapa hari lagi ni so I am gonna make full use of it. This is not a proper goodbye pun. Saja nak menulis sementara masih di sini. Masih sempat lagi ni untuk buat proper goodbye post sementara waktu masih ada.

Sekadar melepaskan rindu menulis sewaktu mood tengah melankolik. Mungkin boleh doakan untuk sentiasa melankolik supaya boleh menulis lagi? Haha.

Till then, 

3.13am, Moscow.

Wounds and Marks

At the end of the day, we are the ones who have to move on with our lives.
The only problem is where to begin, again.

Humans of all sorts of forms will always be the same. We can try to give them itsy bitsy of love we have left but no bueno things will still be the same. You can't change humans. Humans are wired to be humans and so be it. Glad to know that for some they had gone through these phases and had survived and still surviving.

It is okay to fall.
It is okay to be wounded, to be scratched a little, bleeds a little..
All things healed, don't they?

Thank you for all the memories.
Now psychological defense mechanism, cepat do your work.

Terlerailah Kuncup Dedaun

Di birai jendela jernih yang dilatari rembulan serta kerdipan bintang, dua susuk tubuh sering duduk berbicara. Bicara mereka penuh dengan emosi dan mainan gaya; terkadang nampak tegang tatkala keseriusan hadir dalam rona bicara. dan terkadang menyusul hilai tawa yang memecah kesunyian malam di segenap penjuru tingkat 15.

Masing-masing cuba melengkapi rona emosi masing-masing. Berbekalkan larut malam serta frustasi terhadap spesies sendiri, ruhi suasananya menghadirkan mereka untuk mengkoreksi diri dalam mencari solusi untuk terus berjuang menghadapi baki sisa hidup yang mendatang.

Gelisahnya figura hati akhirnya rebah dalam tautan telinga yang hemat mendengar, dan lafaz bibir yang ikhlas dalam tiap titipan bicara. Nun di birai jendela, ditemani pelita ikhlas yang menerangi dua susuk tubuh tersebut dalam mengharungi pekat malam.

Pabila malam mulai melabuhkan tirainya yang memekat, dan masing-masing mulai sedar yang ini bukannya omongan yang kosong belaka, bicara dua susuk ini berhenti. Hasil perlu diraih dari bicara pekat malam ini. Solusi digapai usai bermuhasabah. Aksi bakal menyusul. Senyum dan ucapan selamat malam dibalas. Pintu dikatup. Lampu dunia dipadam. Menanti hari esok yang penuh dengan cahaya dalam larut malam yang memekat.

Dan nun jauh di bawah sana, musim demi musim, kuncup dedaunan mula terlerai dari hibernasi musim sejuk yang lama. Musim bunga bakal tiba, dan sudah tiba gilirannya untuk si hijau mula beraksi.

The 5th Stage of Grief

Finally I succumbed to the final level of grief.

Well technically, I skipped most of the ladidas and went straightforward to the level of acceptance. There's nothing you could do jugak pun bila benda nak jadi.

It's been a whirlwind life for me thus far. All my life i've been preparing for this; the hardest part; the one that changed me; the goodbyes. Ever since I was a child ive been exposed to this; the harsh truth of reality that none is really eternal.

Friends come and go, people die and leave, lovers can become strangers, ...and heart, is a strong and powerful thing that can withstand all this whateverness which causing this separation issue. And it will do that with the helps of time and yourself.

They say you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
And a strong person knows how to keep their life stays in line. A strong person knows what to do and what to choose to be strong.

At times you have to accept the fact that you don't have to fight in every single battle of yours.
Sometimes it is all about "meh, things happened."

Acceptance would be easier if you mastered on how to understand yourself better.

Mulia

Pagi ini saya ditegur oleh Allah. Bicara Umar bin Al Khattab tatakala ingin membuka kunci Baitul Maqdis dalam keadaan sederhana dan bersahaja; "kita ini adalah umat yang telah Allah berikan kemuliaan dengan Islam. Sekiranya kita mencari kemuliaan dengan yang lain, maka Allah akan memberikan kehinaan kepada kita."

Allahu.

Terkadang ada perkara yang saya dahului berbanding urusan kerja saya dengan Allah. Adakalanya hati milik tuhan yang mengepam darah muda saya ini cuba memberontak, berusaha sedaya upaya untuk tidak terikat dengan peraturan dan sebagainya sebab tak mahu dilabel.

Adakalanya terdetik juga di hati saya, adakah saya kini terjerat dalam gelembung hipokrasi ciptaan saya sendiri? Sudah betul ikhlaskah saya? Ataukah masih jauh lagi penyucian hati saya untuk benar-benar yakin dengan pautan urwatil wusqo sebagai kemuliaan?

Mana perginya percaya yang sama, di saat api dingin membakar nabi Allah Ibrahim?
Mana perginya percaya yang sama, di saat tongkat nabi Allah Musa dilempar di tengah gelanggang firaun?
Mana perginya percaya yang sama, saat si Ghulam merelakan dirinya ditusuk panah?

Allahu..

Moga ketemu kekuatan kalbu serta penyucian jiwa dari pemilik hati. Dan ternyata, bukan mulianya diri dalam tenungan mata-mata pinjaman Tuhan yang sepatutnya dicari..

Ruyung

Adakalanya tak semua ruyung mampu dipecahkan.
Pedih ditelan diluah derita, memang begitu hakikatnya.

Entahlah. Berat kaki melangkah, berat lagi hati yang digalas. Terasa makin lama makin jerih untuk menapak, tak daya memecah ruyung yang entah bila kelibat sagunya. 

Pengalaman lalu mengubah neraca kini dan membawa seribu satu perspektif baru. Penat memecah ruyung sehingga terluka habis jari jemari.

Bukan berputus asa, cuma diri si pemecah ruyung ini cuba rasional untuk bertapak di alam realiti. Mungkin liatnya ruyung dek pincangnya kudrat dan jemari yang luka,,, pintakan tenungan susulan mata dan ruang masa untuk kembali bertenaga..

Maka izinkan, mohon diperkenan...

Season of New Beginnings

Last summer was somehow a season of new beginnings.

People at my age is getting married, some are expecting babies, some are graduating while some are going through their first job, settling down in new environment, new friends, new beginning of life...

...well a season of new beginnings indeed.

Well for me this is relatively new. It is very new and strange and I still have hard times digesting all of these stuffs happening. Sometimes I feel like we are in the movies, like the film is rolling and we are the actor in it performing our roles. Some have to be the hero while some have to be the villagers. Yet, each one of us play important role to deliver a scene, Everyone's a somebody's now.

And witnessing those films rolling through my eyes, had got me trembling with enough gushes of fear. Its hard to digest the fact that this is a new phase of life that I have to go through. A phase that not only me have to go through. A phase of no turning back. A phase of new beginnings.

A phase called adulthood.

Welcome to this adulthood thingy, A. The train has arrived.
Welcome, selamat datang, irrashaimase, dobra posjalovats, and davaiii. 

And I'd be lying if not welcoming the train with slight pinch of fear.

Yet still, we can have this option though:

And that is what I always aim to be (sejak tamat highschool lagi, kan Y?)

At least this is comforting...

#Emotional summer, Like eh I'm feeling old. 

Goodbyes Not Yet

Well, opening facebook today is not a good idea.

Half of the seniors are waving their final goodbyes, juniors are happily packing their stuffs to go back for holidays, and the rest of fifth year and I, are busy cramming our brains up for another three more papers left. Woah I can't believe how much I hate this time of the year.

Usually I just don't care, but this time I get this sudden strange feeling of loneliness. Maybe I am a little homesick (which is weird because I am usually not), maybe I am exhausted with all these notes and exams and salmonellosis, Whipple, Roux-en-Y stuffs, or maybe seeing seniors graduating and finished with their studies means that we only have a year left in this icy land of Moscow. Again, like A YEAR left.

Colour me surprise, I am not ready for it. Thinking about it makes my heart aches a little. It's really too much to think about but my silly, silly mind could not stop from asking so many questions.

Like how do they do that?

Saying goodbye...to this land where they grown up into?

Parting ways forever with Kremlin, St Basil, Metros and the babushkas?

Like how could I do that next year? How am I suppose to be strong like them next year, with straight faces and redha smiles and no tears?

I just don't want to imagine that. It's too early A, it's too early.

Just please save your "prashai" for next year.

And in the mean time, with these few moments left I just wanna cherish every single moments I have left and keep reading hepatitis, leptospirosis and all those infectious thingy.

May the force will always be with me.

"Apa yang ada pada kamu akan habis hilang dan hilang lenyap, dan apa yang ada di sisi Allah itu jualah yang tetap kekal. Dan sesungguhnya Kami akan membalas orang-orang yang sabar dengan memberikan pahala yang lebih baik daripada apa yang telah mereka kerjakan"

an-Nahl: 16:96

source: Google

The Rains and All Its Glory

It's been a moody week for me. And it seems like the weather could hint that my mood today was off. It's been raining cats and dogs for three consecutive days, which we Muscovites did not expect the rains would be pouring down this heavily. Maybe Allah is listening to the rants of those who had suffer from early summer's heated wave.

St Basil Cathedral on rainy day, sila abaikan payung bercorak ala makcik-makcik

I do love when it's raining, since I am all about the rain. I always find the rain is soothing. When you were in trouble and the rain was pouring so heavily, the feeling is beyond indescribable. You just couldn't escape from feeling extremely sad as the situation goes. It's like the rain amplifies your melodramatic grief to the uppermost level and you just left being hopeless, and helpless. Like everything is too much and inside your heart it's raining too. OMG now I am being overly dramatic, boohooooo.

But seriously, there is something with rains that makes me feel very connected. It is comforting, refreshing, and most importantly it's cooling everything down. Each time I feel the rain, I couldn't help to think about one of my favourite ayah about the rains, from surah al-A'raaf;

"Dan Dialah yang meniupkan angin sebagai pembawa berita gembira sebelum kedatangan rahmat-Nya (hujan), hingga apabila angin itu telah membawa awan mendung, Kami halau ke suatu daerah yang tandus, lalu Kami turunkan "hujan" di daerah itu, maka Kami keluarkan dengan sebab angin itu pelbagai macam buah-buahan. Seperti itulah Kami membangkitkan orang-orang yang telah mati, mudah-mudahan kamu mengambil pelajaran"

(al-A'raaf, 7:57)

In this ayah Allah drives heavy clouds towards a dead land and with His graceful mercy, He blesses the land with water to fall upon it, causing all manner of fruits to come forth. And Allah makes us to keep in mind that this is how He causes the dead to come to life.

In this particular ayah, I'd like to tadabbur and stressed out that rain plays an important role in reliving a dead land to be fruitful. Without rain, the dead land is a dead land, wasted and unnoticed by others.

As per say, in life we need rain too. Sometimes we left our heart dries for too long until its dead, and its time to get the heart soaked wet for some rejuvenation. Let find some rain that can rejuvenates our hearts, making our borrowed body to be fruitful and worthy. And ofcourse it is none other than our job to keep the dried land always soaked, either from zikr or reading surahs to reciting mathurats, to keep our dried land alive and functioning.

The rain could be anything that can make our hearts soaked, and when the water has poured down on the dried land, trust me, just like a productive land, you'll see the better glimpse of life, and you won't be wanting to be sunshined again.

And yes, those who thinks sunshine is pure happiness have never tried dancing in the rain :)

*berkarat ingrish, pardon the grammars

Setelah sekian lama

Hati rasa mahu menulis, maka dicoretkan sahajalah apa yang terlintas dalam benak kepala. Ha ini kejadahnya kalau menulis ikut suka hati, sekali panjang sangat sudahnya. Layan je lah nak buat cemano...

1) Luluh jantung kejap sekilas terpandang gambar senior dalam sesi photoshoot untuk graduasi. Terasa sekejap je masa berlalu, pejam celik tinggal setahun je lagi sebelum tiba giliran kami untuk grad. Sungguh rasa macam tak senior sangat tak matang bagai...apatah lagi bila cakap bab bab nak kerja, memang rasa sangat tak bersedia huhuhu

2) Cakap-cakap tentang kerja, hari tu waktu sembang petang bersama rakan sekaki kami terbincang yang nanti bila kerja memang semuanya akan bermula dari kosong balik. Kena bina hidup baru dan maksudnya kena bina hubungan baru balik jugalah. Waktu kerja ni lah kita akan jumpa kawan yang betul-betul kawan punye sebab kat situlah kita kerja dan kat situlah kita mulakan hidup kita yang sebetulnya. Memang muka yang tu lah yang kita duk hadap hari-hari dan yang tu lah yang akan di-otomatically dijemput bila ada kenduri-kendara mahupun nak ajak gi mengopi. Dan yang sedihnya kawan seuniversiti kita ni nanti akan disperse merata dan berpecah bina hidup masing-masing. Kalau jumpa, jumpalah. Kalau takk.. :(

3) I enjoyed my spring season way too much tahun ini tapi peliknya masih belum puas lagi ni. Memang dah jadi adat di sini tatkala beralihnya musim salju, maka mulalah masing-masing nak start berkelah. Piknik rakan segrup lah, piknik seusrah lah, piknik sepersatuan lah, piknik bros lah, boleh kira memang semua nak rebut peluang untuk berkelah di waktu yang begini. Nak buat macam mana, waktu macam ni lah bunga dah mula berkembang dan suhu sekitar pula sangat nyaman. Waktu ni lah nak golek sakan atas rumput ala-ala kuch-kuch hota hai:P

4) Banyak benda rosak sejak nak dekat dengan hari lahir ni. Henset rosaklah, kad dah luput tarikhlah, problem dengan akaun telefon lah...haih macam-macam. Nak pamper diri sendiri pun tak boleh sebab fulus, I dont have :(

5) Bulan ni agak sibuk sedikit sampaikan makan pun entah ke mana. I can't remember single thing I consumed, bende ntah yang dimakan nye hari-hari. Bila sibuk ni perut secara sendirinya akan kenyang, sumbat dalam perut apa pun aku tak tahu. Tapi serius I was very busy with quite few programmes. Biasalah tu, bila nak akhir semester ni mulalah banyak persatuan nak sumbat segala jenis program. Nak kejar masa sebelum final katanya. Tapi tak merungut pun sebab suka je bila banyak aktiviti, baru rasa aktif sedikit berbanding biasa.

6) Bila berada dalam cycle yang tak beban sangat di hujung semester, rasa macam terlebih relaks la pulak, sehinggakan mood belajar untuk exam final pun ikut relaks sekali. Padahal subjek untuk final kali ni tersangatlah banyak sampaikan batch kitorang ni lah yang balik paling lambat. Malasnya mekk wehhh nak bukak buku...sebab roh dah terbang ke bazaar ramadhan dah ni mencari ikan keli sambal cili padi, sate, putu halba dan nasi kerabu.

7) Hajatnya tak nak balik sempena cuti musim panas kali ni memandangkan nak rasa pengalaman beraya di luar negara, tapi tak boleh resist semangat nak balik. Bila difikirkan yang sebulan terpaksa puasa hampir berbelas jam setiap hari kalau tak balik, terus digagahi juga usaha untuk mencari tiket meskipun harga untuk tiket naik lagi tahun ni. Mujurlah terjumpa tiket online yang harganya memadai, sekurang-kurangnya tak lari sangatlah dari bajet asal. Kali ni singgah transit yang lama di Instanbul, saja plan begitu sebab nak hayati bekas Kota Khalifah kesayangan saya ni sungguh-sungguh sekali lagi.

8) Lain macam rasanya bila berpindah masuk ke asrama. Sekurang-kurangnya tak perlu risau pasal bil air dan bil elektrik lagi. Banyak aktiviti boleh dibuat sebab penghuninya ramai, dan berdekatan pula dengan taman yang subhanallah sangat cantik. Yang jadi masalahnya cuma susah sedikit nak memasak memandangkan dapur terpaksa dikongsi bersama..dan bila duduk ramai-ramai ni dah boleh kenal lah perangai sekian-sekian ni macam mana memandangkan gossip senang sangat bercambah..hmm

9) Kalau boleh rasanya mahu pusing satu bandar Moscow ni puas-puas. Yelah, tinggal tak sampai setahun je lagi kat sini, memang haruslah masa yang tinggal ni digunakan sebaik mungkin. Dah cuba untuk plan semaksimum mungkin dah setakat ni untuk ronda sana-sini, tapi masih belum mampu dilaksanakan lagi disebabkan banyak benda yang lagi penting kena diselesaikan dahulu. Tambahan lagi nak meronda ni kena guna duit juga...maka selalu krik-krik lah jawabnya huhu

Its the Future

"If you're really worried about your future, you should put more effort into it".

- Dr. Syamirullah Rahim

Don't worry, things will be okay if you have REALLY prepared since the beginning.
Mind over matter, A.
Mind over matter.
Jazakumullah for the efforts of making this video, as of now its getting clearer as Grey's Anatomy.

Moga Allah permudahkan semuanya, baik usaha sebelum mahupun selepas.

Visa Day

Its visa day, and I hate visa day.

The whole waiting and waiting and waiting for your queue to be up is the hardest part, unless the day is today, which was thousandth time worse.

It's funny how things you had meticulously planned the night before scattered into places just because you napped a little too much.

It's like today is not my day.
Had to skip breakfast and lunch, missed class, stuck in traffic, being scolded in front of strangers by the bank's lady and being ridiculed for bringing outdated machinery at the photo shop. On top of that, my whole lunch hour was spent by running frantically from this to there, catching and searching for options when my usuals were mostly closed. Poor my empty stomach.

Thanks god things went smoothly after that, which means all of it was paid off.
But alas, it is still a visa day and I hate visa day.

Dragging That Horse Around in Darkest Before Dawn

and is still dragging...

First World Problem

Hmmm hari ni start sekolah. Rasa sedih sebab pakai baju lama eheheh.
Then terus teringat this quote on instagram, always be my new sem mantra.

Ok gurau-gurau aje, ini bukan first world problem pun.

Doakan saya selamat belajar!
Amin