I never wanted to experience breakup, this thing sucks as fuck and it really, really, really, hurts.
Im not sure why I went through with all the shits and unnecessary drama when i am literally so unfit for that.
Seriously, what was I thinking?
Midlife crisis?
Too much loneliness?
Too far away from family?
Covid encephalopathy?
Why? Why?
To begin with it was not all rainbows and butterlies and all joyous pun. Ye at first it was all pretty and warm, hati berbunga-bunga, then....things got messier, we gaduh almost everyday and my friend has been telling me that it wasn't healthy relationship pun but I tried. I have fuckingly tried to save it but...it still nothing. Worth nothing. Beyond saving. Unsalvageable.
We both have our much ego, and it was lamented with excessive trust issues, and it became too much in everything.
Silly me and im so bodoh for I have opened up so much.
I have told everything including all those scars...all those dark stuffs...all of those traumatising thing..
Yet, it was nothing. There was absolute no understanding of who am me, why I was built like this, and why I was wired to be emotionally scarred.
Its like..bodoh.
I am bodoh.
I guess memang betullah when they said that love makes u blind. And fool.
Honestly, I was tired. I was so tired apologising for things that I have tried to fix but whenever the trust issues build up, the persecutory delusions was brought up again, and then we fought again, i couldnt take it.
It was so fucking tiring.
And now both party is hurting. And i am hurting too. I tried to get back but there is no chance for me because now the bad figure is again, me, because i was the one who ended it. Yes, ego. So much ego.
I am so tired of this. I thought when we broke up i'd be happier.
But fuck no. It is not.
Grieving and healing is...............too much.
I dont know when it will heal.
I dont know for how many longer I will grieve.
Ugh.
Its been two weeks so no more bb, no more sayang, no more hati-hati.
Im lost. And I dont think I will do this anymore...
